Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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