New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
