mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
