I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
