I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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