Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Found the puke drawer
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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