I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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