it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
