Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
