I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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