The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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