I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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