be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
