Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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