did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
