Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
