My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
