I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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