just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
