my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My balls are so social today.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize