I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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