My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
