we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
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I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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