I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
