I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
