Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
