My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
