we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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