I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
