I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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