the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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