I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
