Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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