My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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