Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
