Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
