If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
