My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
