she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
