last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
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I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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