He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
