I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
