remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
