I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's rum buckets o'clock
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
