I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
And then my night got REAL pukey
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
