i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
