Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
