dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think I am morally bankrupt
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
