I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
