I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
