he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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