He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
