I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
