one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
