So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
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Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize