so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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