why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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