Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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