You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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